“Move you bloody girl!!” a British man yelled while honking his cab horn. She brushed her hair behind her ear and kept walking at her natural pace crossing the streets of South Kensington once again, breathing in the frigid evening air.
The only sounds heard are her high heels clanging on the brick sidewalk and a few cars breezing past, hitting a puddle of water, every now and again. Her hands are frozen in the pockets of her poufy jacket, while little mists of raindrops lightly brush her pale face.
This is the life she had always wanted. Besides the overly mean taxi drivers, she loves the rush of London, the diverse array of people, the amazing history, even the insanity of trying to stuff herself on the overcrowded Tube at 6am. She had the world in her hands; an American, fresh out of college with an amazing job, but unhappiness subtly creeps its way back into her life, when she is alone.
Her memory kept repeating Patrick’s number in her head “281-772-5…., I am going to call Patrick tonight and apologize.”
She got off work at the normal time, but somehow scurried home 10 minutes earlier than usual. She needed to keep her mind occupied while she is in her secluded apartment. She slowly took off her hat and gradually unbuttoned her coat. Her heart pounded because thoughts of him were starting to return. Work made it easy to forget about him, but at night the unhappiness returns.
Her fingers undo her wavy blonde hair while her blue eyes stared at her silhouette in the hallway mirror, eyeing her bright green dress, draped over her fatigued body. This dress she wore in Paris, when they shared passionate kisses and a bottle of wine, by the Eiffel Tower, last New Year’s Day. Her face shines bright remembering him romantically saying, “This is how I want to live my life, you and me forever. Je t’aime.”
She feels the cold cell phone in her hand and started to dial the numbers.
Good job with your revisions so far! You have more of an attention-grabbing opening line. The dialogue is very authentic. You did a great job describing London - the diverse array of people, the amazing history, and overcrowded Tube. Like in your first draft, you give the reader vivid imagery.
ReplyDeleteHere are some suggestions. I would like to know what the narrator did to Patrick that is making her regret it. I notice that you shift from past tense to present tense. I would recommend keeping it in one tense throughout. Can't wait to see if the narrator gets back together with Patrick.
I agree with Kurt. The cabby screaming at the protagonist is a cool way to begin, and you used some great imagery.
ReplyDeleteI noticed you switched POVs from the first draft. I think 3rd person works, but I liked the intimacy of first person (but I'm weird).
Also, with "She slowly took off her hat and gradually unbuttoned her coat," I think you can delete one of the adverbs here and still have a nice image.
Thank you for sharing your revisions!
I enjoy the specifice details. The sounds of her shoes, her frozen hands. I also like how you show her conflicted emotions. Good job.
ReplyDeleteTo continue what Sarah said about POV. I think the issue here is that you're switching from ominiscent third to subjective third and back again. If you stayed in subjective third, it would be as intimate as first person. Staying in subjective third would mean she can't know her own face is shining brightly unless she's looking in something reflective.
Do watch the tenses. You're switching back and forth from past tense to present.
I agree. I would also like to know why she is upset about Patrick. Laurie and Sarah make a good point about POV. It can be hard at first to get all the POVs organized and decide which to use. I had a difficult time with it as well.
ReplyDelete