Here I am, walking down the streets of South Kensington, once again, breathing in the frigid, evening air.
The only sounds heard are my high heels clanging on the brick sidewalk and a few cars breezing past me, hitting a puddle of water, every now and again. My hands are frozen in the pockets of my poufy jacket, while little mists of raindrops lightly brush my pale face.
This is the life I had always wanted. I love the rush of London, the diverse array of people, the amazing history surrounding me, even the insanity of trying to stuff oneself on the overcrowded Tube at 6am. I had the world in my hands; an American, fresh out of college with an amazing job, but unhappiness subtly creeps its way back into my life, when I’m alone.
I got off work at the normal time, but somehow scurried home 10 minutes earlier than usual. I have to keep my mind occupied while I’m in my secluded apartment. I slowly take off my hat and gradually unbutton my coat. Why does my heart hurt so badly? Work made it easy to forget about him, but at night the unhappiness returns.
I undo my wavy blonde hair, which was pulled back into a conservative bun. He always liked my hair up this way. He actually liked my hair fixed any style. He loved me but, I broke his heart and unknowingly broke mine in the process.
I stare at my silhouette in the hallway mirror, eyeing my bright green dress, draped over my fatigued body. This dress I wore in Paris, when we shared passionate kisses and a bottle of wine, by the Eiffel Tower, last New Year’s Day. I start to smile, because I remember wanting to impress him with my two years of college French, but in the end could not carry on a conversation in French to save my life! But he was impressed nonetheless.
But unfortunately I selfishly dictated how our relationship would end, because of my need to be independent and pursue my dreams alone. I thought he was holding me back, but in reality he was holding me together.
The next couple of months were more of the same.
My job became my obsession; I worked hard, mostly to keep my mind off of his bright blue eyes and his warm, devoted touch. I proved myself to be a hard worker, to the leaders of Goldman Sachs and was quickly promoted. Although, I was achieving my goals quicker than I had expected, I felt empty.
Trying to cure my loneliness, I went out with William, a British co-worker whose office was across from mine. I thought this was just what I needed; a night out with a talkative, accomplished businessman. Needless to say he sure could carry on a conversation, but only about himself. His arrogant mannerisms made me recognize how much I missed my considerate, selfless, loving gentleman.
I needed him back in my life. I wanted to be with him, but my pride and embarrassment about how I ended our relationship, kept holding me back....
(I am not finished yet)
Good start so far. I am not in love with the "Here I am" at the very beginning. I would replace that with something else. It seems too bland for the rest of the story. The mood of the story is lonely and somewhat depressed. I noticed that there is a place where, as I am following along, an exclamation point comes up after "to save my life!" Which I automatically read as excitement. I may be wrong, but I would use a period there just to keep the mood steady. I am already eager to see a happy ending here. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI love the discription of the cold. Very evocative. And it immediately raises reader interst to realize this character has the life she wanted but she's not happy. The character is quite interesting because of this.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of exposition here. That is a danger of first person narrative. The tendency to over explain. I'd like to see more action on the part of the character, some dialogue and less exposition. Too much exposition slows the pace by "telling" too much. Try showing more.
I am also intrigued by a character who has everything she's ever wanted, but is not content. There's something distinctly American about that. I liked how you used the green dress to bring back memories for the narrator. Perhaps allowing the readers to eavesdrop on a conversation with William would highlight his self-absorption and the narrator's boredom. Is there anyone the narrator can confide in?
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see how this plays out!
From what you have written so far, this has the makings of an interesting story. The imagery is vivid, especially in the second paragraph when you mention the "poufy jacket" and "high heels clanging on the brick sidewalk."
ReplyDeleteHere some things to take into consideration. I agree with Stacey that you need a stronger opening line to grab the reader's attention. I also agree with Laurie that you could add some dialogue to show rather than tell. A good place to do this would be when the narrator goes out with the British co-worker.
Good start overall! I look forward to reading the rest of your story.
An enjoyable piece of short story reading. You do a good job of explanation, giving the reader enough to formulate the picture in their minds. Unlike some of the other comments made, i would keep the level of explanation the same as it is. This appears to be the beginning of a complex and intriguing story that in order to appreciate, requires an extensive amount of explanation if it is to be experienced rather than just read about. What i mean is that i agree with the level of explanation at this early stage of the story, with the idea that it will not be required later when the more action oriented parts come into play.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I wouldn't change much. Maybe slow the pace down just a tad in the section dealing with the co-worker date. Explain the contrast between this William and the person who is referred to as being in a previous relationship with.
I don't think that adding too much dialogue is necessary because she can go into dialogue as the story continues, but maybe bits and pieces here and there. Maybe since she is alone she can refer to the past as if she were remembering the dialogue between herself and someone else. I hope that makes sense.
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ReplyDeleteI agree with Stacy that dialogue would not be needed yet since the story and setting is just developing. i like the descriptions of cold, wet London. I also thought that some of the punctuation marks were a bit distracting. I have a habit of using too many commas so I totally understand, but you need to use less comas and more periods instead. I also agree that William seemed to sneak up out of nowhere. I did like your story and would be interested in where it goes.
ReplyDeleteAs long as the author describes a dramatic event within the first two pages, you will have a captive audience. However, if there is too much description and not enough action, you will lose the reader's interest. Jess, you did grab my attention by describing the narrator's dilemma between the regrets of leaving the love of her life and her dream of independence.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. The tone and descriptions reinforce the title and theme of regrets well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with many of the suggestions already mentioned. As Dr. Sherwood at the writing center recommends - use a "kick ass opening line." Simple advice but it seems to work so well, and when used, it has a noticeable effect.
Maybe you could allude to the narrator's feelings of discontent, more than explicitly describe them.
I tend to think dialogue would help. I think you could probably finish the story, and then go back and change passages to dialogue to "show not tell."
Finally - I like the setting. Nothing like foreignness to reinforce loneliness. Good job...
I agree with Lisa in that this William character was a bit of a surprise and caused a bit of disorientation.
ReplyDeleteGreat start. I particularly enjoyed the character's flashback as a result of what she was wearing. One change I would consider, that's already been mentioned, is the punctuation - specifically for example, after the line about not speaking french, the exclamation point didn't really fit into the tone of the rest. I wanted a little more introduction to William or to find out exactly how the date went - it was a little unexpected and then seemed over quickly.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the lack of dialogue fit for this introductory glimpse into the character and her loneliness. I look forward to seeing where she ends up.
After rereading the story again, I agree that adding William at this point does not fit the mood of your story. I also agree that it would be better not to put too much dialogue at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stacey too about the beginning. You could simply start with walking down the streets...
ReplyDeleteHowever, this would not be a kick ass opening line like Corey discussed.
I like Kurts idea of adding dialogue when she goes out with the co-worker. That would be interesting. How far did they go with the date? How did she break up with her gentleman? I think bits of dialogue woud be intersting. I am looking forward to reading the rest of the story. I enjoyed the descriptions of London like Lisa. I could completely picture her walking in the cold London night. It's the set up and the pattern the relationship will take that makes me want more. Her loneliness is something most women understand. Very good!